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Foolishness and Feelings
Dec. 17th, 2011 08:42 am*Apparates in*
3:50 AM 12/17/2011
I honestly don't know what possesses me to do things sometimes. I know that may have sounded random but I assure you that it isn't, it was a legitimate statement.
Last night I for whatever reason decided it would be a good idea to stay on the phone with my ex, Chris till almost midnight. Maybe it has to do with the fact he hasn't called me in months and picked last night to call me to thank me for his gift. It wasn't much really, I only gave him my Harry Potter movies on DVD. I baught the box set on the day it was released and so I sent him my other originals as he wanted but couldn't afford them. I didn't mind sending them at all and I knew that Aryanna and Christian would enjoy them as well. Aryanna is 3 and Christian is turning 2 on December 22 but they are both little HP fans, I think it's cute. I know tis only right to thank a person for things but really, did I really need to spend all that time on the phone with him? I don't know what to think or feel about this. I miss him, not like miss him as in wanting to date him miss him, but he was well, is, considered to be one of my best friends. There are times i just want to pick up the phone and call him just to chat but I don't out of respect for his wife. It doesn't help that she doesn't like me either but there are just those times I want to say I don't care what she feels and call him. I however am not that kind of person. Not to mention my affections are elsewhere.
Chris began to talk to me about his pending divorce and the long road he will have ahead of him. He's happy that his marriage will be over and I feel bad for his children because they won't have their father whom they adore to know ends. He's an excellent father and will miss his children deeply. Alisha will be taking them with her back to Idaho and told Chris that if he wants to see them again he'll have to go to Idaho as she will never set foot in Georgia ever again. She once told him that if he loves them, he'll make the trip. i have absolutely no doubts that he will go to see them. My feelings twoards Alisha are...well...not so nice but I'll refrain from showing them at this time.
Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be about her, it was about my silly actions to talk to Chris on the phone forever last night. The Vamp keeps telling me i'm still in love with him but I know this not to be the case. Those feelings died a long time ago when he told me he had gotten married. Chris's feelings are not mine though, he is still in love with me and says he always has been and will be. He is still hoping I will go to him after his divorce is final and be a stepmother to Aryanna and Christian, he already refers to them as my stepchildren. No matter how many times I tell him that i can never be that to them, nor can I love him like i once did, he still has this hope that we will get back together.
UGH!!!!! WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE SO DAMNED COMPLICATED!!!!!!! *Throws hands up in frustration*.
7:05 AM 12/17/2011
Yesterday I went to a Xmas party. It was actually sort of fun and there were a few requests for me to sing. I at first wasn't going to do it as I was so tired from work but finally I gave in and sang three songs. I found i miss going to karaoke. I also saw Johnny there as he was performing. I have missed him very much. He doesn't perform much in Mankato anymore and it saddens me. Last night he played at the Wine Cafe but as it was snowing to beat hell outside I decided to stay home instead... obviously as I wrote above about my long phone convo with Chris. Back to the party... Well, the whole time i was there I was question thoroughly about my knowledge of Magic Jack of which i have absolutely none. The only thing I know is that it costs like $20 a year and that it works through the computer using your internet. Personally i don't really care about Magic Jack if i am to be completely honest with myself. The food there was pretty good. They had Subway cater in sandwiches, that was pretty awesome as Subway is one of my most favorite places to eat. People had made different dishes to bring as well and having no lunch at work I was pretty hungry by the time i got there. I was in line getting food when someone said to me, Wow it looks like you are eating pretty healthy. They apparently looked at the many fruits and veggies on my plate...I just sort of chuckled as I have bene eating healthier for a while now. i just said yep and went on through the line. The party lasted about two and a half hours, it would have lasted longer but the snow was coming down pretty hard and people were wanting to get home.
After mostly everyone was gone, I made an atempt to escape out the door when there was a hand on my arm and a voice asking where do you think you are going? It was Johnny. I froze for a moment and then slowly turned around only to find arms encircling me. i hugged him back and rested my head on his shoulder for a few seconds before coming back to my senses. He said, "I've missed you." and then asks, "How have you been?" So that's how it went for about 30 minutes, us catching up on what the other had been up to. Before leaving, he gave me one last hug and I was able to make the great escape this time. It wasn't that I didn't wish to speak to him or maybe it was, I don't know. Writing about him just brings up a bunch of feelings i don't care to acknowledge anymore.
8:28 AM 12/17/2011
Today I will go and do a bit of Xmas shopping, at least that's the current plan. i haven't been out since yesterday so not sure how much more snow we aquired. In my eyes, any amount of snow is too much snow for me. I was never fond of the white stuff really.
Well, I suppose this is it for now. I'm not sure how I managed to come up with the will to write as I really didn't write a whole terribly lot about what's going on with me. I really need to try and update here more than I have been.
Oh and before I forget...I did create an LJ for my HP fanfiction. The url is http://gothiclily11@livejournal.com
I haven't started posting there as of yet but I will try once a week or so to post a chapter of the current fanfic i'm writing. I know a couple of you have asked to beta for me and i will consider it. I'm not used to having a beta so I'm not sure but I will definitely think about it. Thanks to those who have offered however.
With this said, I shall take my leave now.
<3Hugs to all<3
Lily
*disapparates*
This entry was originally posted at Life According To Lily. Please leave comments there.
3:50 AM 12/17/2011
I honestly don't know what possesses me to do things sometimes. I know that may have sounded random but I assure you that it isn't, it was a legitimate statement.
Last night I for whatever reason decided it would be a good idea to stay on the phone with my ex, Chris till almost midnight. Maybe it has to do with the fact he hasn't called me in months and picked last night to call me to thank me for his gift. It wasn't much really, I only gave him my Harry Potter movies on DVD. I baught the box set on the day it was released and so I sent him my other originals as he wanted but couldn't afford them. I didn't mind sending them at all and I knew that Aryanna and Christian would enjoy them as well. Aryanna is 3 and Christian is turning 2 on December 22 but they are both little HP fans, I think it's cute. I know tis only right to thank a person for things but really, did I really need to spend all that time on the phone with him? I don't know what to think or feel about this. I miss him, not like miss him as in wanting to date him miss him, but he was well, is, considered to be one of my best friends. There are times i just want to pick up the phone and call him just to chat but I don't out of respect for his wife. It doesn't help that she doesn't like me either but there are just those times I want to say I don't care what she feels and call him. I however am not that kind of person. Not to mention my affections are elsewhere.
Chris began to talk to me about his pending divorce and the long road he will have ahead of him. He's happy that his marriage will be over and I feel bad for his children because they won't have their father whom they adore to know ends. He's an excellent father and will miss his children deeply. Alisha will be taking them with her back to Idaho and told Chris that if he wants to see them again he'll have to go to Idaho as she will never set foot in Georgia ever again. She once told him that if he loves them, he'll make the trip. i have absolutely no doubts that he will go to see them. My feelings twoards Alisha are...well...not so nice but I'll refrain from showing them at this time.
Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be about her, it was about my silly actions to talk to Chris on the phone forever last night. The Vamp keeps telling me i'm still in love with him but I know this not to be the case. Those feelings died a long time ago when he told me he had gotten married. Chris's feelings are not mine though, he is still in love with me and says he always has been and will be. He is still hoping I will go to him after his divorce is final and be a stepmother to Aryanna and Christian, he already refers to them as my stepchildren. No matter how many times I tell him that i can never be that to them, nor can I love him like i once did, he still has this hope that we will get back together.
UGH!!!!! WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE SO DAMNED COMPLICATED!!!!!!! *Throws hands up in frustration*.
7:05 AM 12/17/2011
Yesterday I went to a Xmas party. It was actually sort of fun and there were a few requests for me to sing. I at first wasn't going to do it as I was so tired from work but finally I gave in and sang three songs. I found i miss going to karaoke. I also saw Johnny there as he was performing. I have missed him very much. He doesn't perform much in Mankato anymore and it saddens me. Last night he played at the Wine Cafe but as it was snowing to beat hell outside I decided to stay home instead... obviously as I wrote above about my long phone convo with Chris. Back to the party... Well, the whole time i was there I was question thoroughly about my knowledge of Magic Jack of which i have absolutely none. The only thing I know is that it costs like $20 a year and that it works through the computer using your internet. Personally i don't really care about Magic Jack if i am to be completely honest with myself. The food there was pretty good. They had Subway cater in sandwiches, that was pretty awesome as Subway is one of my most favorite places to eat. People had made different dishes to bring as well and having no lunch at work I was pretty hungry by the time i got there. I was in line getting food when someone said to me, Wow it looks like you are eating pretty healthy. They apparently looked at the many fruits and veggies on my plate...I just sort of chuckled as I have bene eating healthier for a while now. i just said yep and went on through the line. The party lasted about two and a half hours, it would have lasted longer but the snow was coming down pretty hard and people were wanting to get home.
After mostly everyone was gone, I made an atempt to escape out the door when there was a hand on my arm and a voice asking where do you think you are going? It was Johnny. I froze for a moment and then slowly turned around only to find arms encircling me. i hugged him back and rested my head on his shoulder for a few seconds before coming back to my senses. He said, "I've missed you." and then asks, "How have you been?" So that's how it went for about 30 minutes, us catching up on what the other had been up to. Before leaving, he gave me one last hug and I was able to make the great escape this time. It wasn't that I didn't wish to speak to him or maybe it was, I don't know. Writing about him just brings up a bunch of feelings i don't care to acknowledge anymore.
8:28 AM 12/17/2011
Today I will go and do a bit of Xmas shopping, at least that's the current plan. i haven't been out since yesterday so not sure how much more snow we aquired. In my eyes, any amount of snow is too much snow for me. I was never fond of the white stuff really.
Well, I suppose this is it for now. I'm not sure how I managed to come up with the will to write as I really didn't write a whole terribly lot about what's going on with me. I really need to try and update here more than I have been.
Oh and before I forget...I did create an LJ for my HP fanfiction. The url is http://gothiclily11@livejournal.com
I haven't started posting there as of yet but I will try once a week or so to post a chapter of the current fanfic i'm writing. I know a couple of you have asked to beta for me and i will consider it. I'm not used to having a beta so I'm not sure but I will definitely think about it. Thanks to those who have offered however.
With this said, I shall take my leave now.
<3Hugs to all<3
Lily
*disapparates*
This entry was originally posted at Life According To Lily. Please leave comments there.
